Running away, blah blah

I wish I could say what prompted me to write all this, but hell, who cares?

We all try and do things we want to do, and then we try and do things we need to do. As for me, I try and minimise the difference between the two, and therefore find little need for running away. If there is something that I feel like running away from once in a while, its myself that I can't stand. But there is nowhere to run from yourself, so I am learning to cope with that too.

Friendships and love are cousins that rule the lives of most of us. And since I do not like my life being ruled by anything other than myself, I try to keep both at a certain distance. Not to say that I am a shallow friend, or haven't loved, but its just that well, I don't get too affected by others' actions towards my life. And I don't make too many efforts to do things for others, or to even keep in touch with, since I already have enough on my own platter to take care of, and that is a pretty damn difficult job anyway. I don't know how I do it, but my friends' list only seems to grow (there are some who drop off along the way, but hardly anyone that I strike off myself) while I don't let that list impose itself on my life in any which way whatsoever. And to be honest, there has only ever been one exception to this "rule" in my life, and that is Megha, the one person I can say I have truly loved.

When she and me got together, well, thats not exactly what I was looking to do at all. I was just going where I thought life was taking me, while trying to get to many places at the same time. All the same, I learnt a lot from the experience, and still am. I do not think that I realise the value of time spent with someone when I am far apart. I do not much agree with the notion of distance making the heart grow fonder. I spend time with someone in the first place if I think the person is worth it (or if I have some ulterior motive, which is possible, but I can't recall any examples). And once that time is over and gone, life has changed, and I have moved on. When I think back on it, its not nostalgia I feel, since that refers to a sense of longing for the time gone by. What I may have are happy memories that may even bring a smile to face, but I guess I am far too practical (or far too cold) to feel anything more than that. Since there are no regrets about the past, there are no wishes for the past either. And the wishes (which are more like designs) for the future (sadly) usually only involve me, since my own life is the only thing I have a relative degree of control over.

Over the last few months, I have been accused by a couple of friends that I maintain a mysterious front. Well, I won't say they are right, and I won't say they are wrong. I will just say that thats the way I am, its not something I try to do. I guess I work mostly on a need-to-know basis. Someone wants to know something about me, I will be happy to tell. Someone wants to know something involving me AND someone else, or just about someone else, I am not interested. And if I am not interested, I ain't talking. My idea of, and dislike for, gossip and other such things.

There is a couple of more things I have to say about love, but I will do that in my next post I think.