Ir-responsibility and the wisdom of teeth

I had an interview for a job the other day, on a Sunday afternoon, to be precise, which I had chosen as my preferred day since I am working on Mondays, which was my other option. So I decide to not go out on Saturday night, started drinking and smoking weed at about 5pm on Saturday, went out at about 9:30pm to get to another house to consume more weed and whisky, and play some first-person shooter game on the xBox 360. My plan, as also that of others present, was to leave at 2am. At about 3am, I remember being asked what I was going to do about my interview the following day, to which I had confidently replied that I will enjoy myself till 6am and then go home and then get to my interview on time. Sure enough, I left the house at about 6am with 2 others, or so I am told. When we got to their destination, I was asked to crash at their's since I was apparently in no state to even walk, or so I am told. I told them I had done this hundreds of times and that I would be fine, or so I am told. They went on their way, and me on mine.

So I come to my senses at about 11:30am, in the London Underground, headed to I-didn't-have-a-fucking-clue-where. I stepped out on to the streets and discovered myself in a far flung area in the north-west (I was in south-west at night, central in the morning, and headed east where I live) with less than 2 hours for my interview. I was still significantly high and had a blast trying to make my way to the venue for the interview. I got there in time, intoxicated, shit-faced, smelling like a combination of a a brewery and a chimney stack. Of course, I must not forget to mention the t-shirt I was wearing from the previous night, which told the world that "Cartman's mom is a dirty slut". I don't quite remember some of the interview, and what I do remember mostly involves me struggling to put together my thoughts in a linear coherent string of words. And yes, the look of shock on the interviewer's face. Later, he told me that the only reason he actually interviewed me in spite of my appearance, etc was only because he was also an Indian and therefore had a "soft spot" for his fellow countrymen.

All the same, I cleared the interview. Yes, I am truly a genius, what to do? I dazzled him with my brilliance even in the state of mind (and clothing etc) that I have just described. But I don't remember feeling so... disappointed, shall we say, with myself ever. I mean, getting wasted the night before an important event is no big deal, but fucking up the event as a consequence of it certainly is. Especially in a scenario like this where I am presently doing a shit job (call centre in the garb of market research, a shameful sordid story to tell my grandchildren and girlfriends that I don't have) and am looking for other better ones (though I still maintain that all jobs suck, its just the degrees that differ) and this was one that specifically was looking to recruit an anthropologist (the first job ad I saw of this kind... and also, I am not exactly sure if I am actually an anthropologist). Anyway, I am not keen about this job anymore for other reasons. But the point is, I have rarely handled myself with such profound irresponsibility. Made me think about how fucking lazy I have allowed myself to become, and it made me physically sick enough to prevent me from going to work on Monday.

All day today, I have been cringing in pain, and those who know me better know that I don't feel pain easily (there are historical reasons for it, but let's leave that story for another day). Fucking wisdom teeth shit. But it is rather strange, I must say, since the last time I had this feeling was about 7-8 years ago. Rather long gap for those goddamned molars to act up again. Mayhap I gave them reason to... but that doesn't make the fucking pain any better. I considered smoking a little weed to numb the pain, but after Sunday, I had decided to not smoke any at least till Friday evening. So I haven't, and am trying to grin and bear it, though grinning is a problem. Oh yes, there is the concept of analgesics, and I am aware of it. But I need something in the belly before I throw in the pill, and I have rarely waited for a meal like I am right now!

So before I go to try and hurry up my dinner, I will leave you with another poem I wrote almost 5 years ago. Its called "showtime". Enjoy!

logarithmic equations that confuse
chemicals that react mysteriously
the paparazzi on question paper
it hangs on the edge perilously

worries float up in smoke
youth took care of the rest
do i have to come of age?
i know i will pass the test

myriad pathways of my life
just as many ways to end it
i know i will get my kicks
even through all the shit

time is banging on the door
the hinges come off loose
the whirlwind blew in a mess
and left me hanging by a noose

gotta make it last forever
i am gonna queer the pitch
does it have to move so fast?
life, aint it a bitch?

And again, I have been tempted

What else do I do? Someone decides to be a prick while trying to look like a pair of boobs. Of course, I don't like it. Neither will I like it if someone says some stupid shit about something that the someone in question either doesn't follow properly, or follows too far. Yes, I am again referring to the over-intellectualisation of this space due to the nature of the comments, which of course are a cause of the contents of my posts obviously. I am not entirely sure, but if I were a reader of this post as opposed to being the author, all this ruckus between the author and those commenting would put me off a decent bit I think. Hmmm... does anyone have any ideas which will circumvent the imposition of such blather on innocent readers?

I must also confess that the idea of making people think that I am absolutely pathetic is quite interesting, almost appealing. It reflects the power of words, and more importantly, how seriously some people take themselves, others around them, and life in general. I don't know if they need to take some drugs or something, but they sure need to chill out a bit. I am sure that somewhere in this blog, I have talked of my hatred for political correctness. I should also add to it my hatred for the compulsive need some people feel to point out the factual inaccuracies in a joke, or some other form of humour. Of course, there is the idea of humour itself, and personally, the darker it is, the more I like it. (I was tempted to add that it works the same way for me with women's skin colour, but I think I will leave that out. On hindsight, its already been said anyway, right?) Anyway, it's a fucking joke, its meant to be funny, you know, when you open you mouth and go "hahaha" or "hihihi" or "hehehe" or "hohoho" (which is the perfect sound of laughter in the company of a drunk 'under-dressed' woman who is all set to put out to the stranger in the corner; yes, even if she is a 'friend'; especially if she is a friend) or whatever other retarded sounds you like to make when happy.

Some of you, my readers, really need to take life a little easier in general. If you go looking for issues, there will also be countless to find. But why this counter-productive love for complexity? The simpler you keep things, the higher your chances of finding happiness in life, which I think should be the main purpose of anyone's existence. I can already hear half of you thinking in a voice you would hate to hear me imitating "But Himanshu, things are not as simple as you make them out to be...". Yes, I know, and fuck you too. The existence of the possibility to complicate something does not necessitate it. And the existence of a certain complexity does not necessitate you to entangle yourself in it. If you still choose to do so, good for you, but stop trying to tell me to do the same. Complexity of thoughts DOES NOT mean increased awareness. If I were any more sensitive a person, I would hurt from seeing all these minds damaged by education.

Now I must rest so that I can get up on time for another day of drudgery and slavery. And one of these days, I must write about the most irresponsible thing I remember doing in a LONG time.

Nothing much to say, little time as well

Another delay in making posts, one that I regret more than any of my readers, I am sure. After all, writing seems a much better way to spend time than doing a shitty job, or applying for other shitty jobs, which is what has been keeping me away. But we got to do what we got to do, and there are no free lunches, etc.

So this US soldier returns home from Iraq after a year, and thanks to his faithful Wii, discovers his wife has been not so faithful to him. There were a few things about the story that made me think. For one, the soldier in question had his Wii with him for much of the time while he was "serving" in Iraq, to keep him company. Some war going on there, eh? For two, he trusts the Wii more than he trusts his wife, and with good reason. But is that the state of things to come, when we trust gadgets more than fellow humans? After all, machines can't really lie, can they? Of course, then there is the notion of privacy, and how much personal data is stored even on something like a gaming console. And then, I feel in the mood to add that the poor soldier deserved it for fighting an unjustified war.

Oh, most of you perhaps don't have a clue about the story itself. Feel free to read it at http://uk.news.yahoo.com/register/20071121/ttc-wii-grasses-up-cheating-wife-d1d76f9_1.html

While you are it, try something else. Go to Google maps, and search for your street address. You will probably find it. Now search for Mt Everest. Fucking idiots.

Answering questions for a (wise) friend, etc.

For starters, the friend in question rightly said that you choose your critics when you choose your friends. But that's hardly the reason why I refer to him as wise. He also showed me the stupidity behind disbelief in god. Of course, I hope that he has moved beyond agnosticism himself. (I don't think there should be any confusion here, but one can never be sure these days. He did not make me a believer, no, he made me an agnostic. And by beyond agnosticism, I refer to simply not giving a fuck about god's existence.)

The poem in my last post was written not too long back... in fact, it was in February this year. So that is my current opinion, so as to say. I enjoy education, like we all enjoy so many pointless things. I also enjoy it because it keeps you away from work (in the organised fashion of being an employee etc). Problem with education is that it "opens the mind" to all these possibilities, which even while being completely contradictory, seem equally "logically" or "rationally" appealing. You can stretch certain "ground-breaking" theories to prove just about anything. That is what I have tried to convey in the poem as well.

As for rules of poetry... what rules? I have heard of notions like metres and other such 'esoteric' jargon, but I have never really bothered much with those ever. Unless of course while trying to compose a haiku or a limerick or some such, but I don't really do that much (usually for exclusively private consumption). Blank verse, or free verse (which is what I indulge in; blank verse has some metric technicality involved) is a different deal altogether, but again, I have never given it much thought, other than making a choice between writing that or prose. I don't think writing should follow any rules since it is meant to be written in your own style, reflecting your own chutzpah. And if you need to copy someone else's, please get a life.

So now that that is out the way... whew! I got a little ambitious and tried writing a poem in Hindi. Actually, I wrote a couple of them many years back, when I was about 15 or so, and this reminds me that I should see if I can still find them. But anyway, here is what I came up with now, and I have to say, I am not entirely dissatisfied with the result. Of course, for you Hindi-illiterate people out there, I will post a translation as well. I call it अंत भला तो सब भला

विशाल रेगिस्तान, थकी हुई साँसें
चिलचिलाती धूप, दो बेचारे प्यासे
मंज़िल का कोई नामोनिशान नहीं
यहाँ है शरीर लेकिन दिमाग कहीं
अकेला तरुवर अपनी छाया बिछाए
मृगतृष्णा अपना कपट दिखाए
रेत का समुद्र में रेत की लहर
दयालु भगवान का प्यारा कहर
मौत की लम्बी नींद की छोटी पुकार
अब क्या फ़ायदा, सारे यतन हैं बेकार

Now for the Anglophone version. Again, I will keep the translation as literal as possible, even though it will mean venturing (unwillingly this time) in the territory of free verse. The name, however, is simple enough to do. "All is well that ends well"

vast desert, tired breaths
scorching sunshine, two miserable parched folks
no sign of the destination
the body is here but the mind elsewhere
lone tree spreading its shade
mirage displays its deceit
wave of sand in the sea of sand
generous god's lovely curse
small cry of the long sleep of death
what use now, all effort is futile

Doesn't read half as well in English. But that wasn't quite the idea anyway.

If only readers could stay on the same track as me...

I wrote a silly little poem a while ago, but I think there is still some truth in it. Before I reproduce it below, I shall first answer a question posed to me in a comment to the last post. Causality need not be the real "meat" of any given issue. It depends entirely on what one is looking for in any issue, if we must call it an issue. I describe phenomena that I notice and find amusing, or at times, a tad bit irritating. Why they happened to come about the way they did is of little consequence to me, since I can spend two life times of research trying to find the answer and still not be satisfied. Looking into the beginnings of a phenomenon helps us understand it better, but I am not trying to understand anything. I am merely observing and noting.

It is not difficult to over-intellectualise things to pose ever more questions without finding enough answers. And yes, questioning is a good thing. But in the process, it could become difficult to stay on the same level as the original topic. If I were to make ill-founded claims about beginnings and causalities and someone were to rebuke me for it, I would take it most gracefully. But jeez, don't try to tell me that I am on the wrong side of the fence because I am not going in the direction of your interests. Something similar happened with the post on Buddhism, where some reader(s) completely missed the point of my post, and took issue with something I never wrote (perhaps precisely for that reason?).

Anyway, here is the poem. Its called "the wonders of education!". As I said, its a little silly. But all the same, I hope the connection between the poem and general unnecessary over-intellectualisation does not escape the reader.

pack your bags, time for school
for the infusion of confusion
pointlessness of so many points
instruction of deconstruction

relativity theories of kith & kin
scientism used to beat itself
rationality stretched to extremes
now sits uselessly on the shelf

notions of nations are imaginary
as is anything objectively true
objects, subjects inter-mingle
all part of academic obscure stew

nothing can be pinned down ever
not even perceptions of space-time
philosophy, arts, science, history
nothing at all is worth a dime

space no longer the final frontier
space, frontier, finality are all false
comfort of categories is misleading
so break down all them damn walls

after courses in so many discourses
existence itself looks like a circus
purpose of education at the end is
that education has no real purpose

One for the Devanagari readers

Before I set out to do this, I think I should clarify a bit. I have more time on my hands than I would like, or even know what to do with. So I thought I will give this a shot, at least with a short post. Of course, I did not want to do this at the expense of cutting down the number of my readers (not that there are too many anyway). So for those for whom the script below might as well be Martian, scroll down a bit, and you will find a translation that you will follow. Now that I have explained...

तो मैं सोच रहा था कि क्या लिखा जाये? अगर हिन्दी में लिख रहा हूँ तो क्यों न अपने देसी भाई-बंधुओं के बारे में लिखूं? लेकिन मेरे दिमाग के गधे प्रवासी नागरिकों की ओर दौड़ रहे हैं। तो वही सही।

मेरी जान-पहचान के जो भारतीय इस शहर में रहते हैं, उनको मोटा-मोटी २ भान्तियों में बांटा जा सकता है। पहली भाँती वह जिनको अपनी मात्र्भूमि से कोई खास लगाव नहीं है, बल्कि उनको बहुत प्रसन्नता है कि वो किसी developed देश में हैं जहाँ औरतों की चमड़ी गोरी है। ऐसे लोगों के बोलने का लहजा बदलते कोई समय नहीं लगता, हवाई-जहाज़ से उतरते ही अचानक उन्हें "fake accent" नामक बिमारी हो जाती है। (लेकिन कुछ ऐसे भी होते हैं जिनको यह बिमारी दिल्ली या मुम्बई हवाई अड्डे पर हवाई-जहाज़ में बैठने के साथ ही लग जाती है!) यह पहली भाँती के लोग ऐसी भी कोशिश करते हैं कि इनके मित्रगण में अन्य भारतीय कम से कम हों। मेरे ख्याल से ऐसा करने से उनको एक तरह की "truly international feeling" महसूस होती है, जिससे उनके अपने छोटे से ब्रह्माण्ड में ख़ुशी कि १-२ लहरें दौड़ जाती हैं। अगर उनको ऐसी छोटी निक्कार हरकतों से ही ख़ुशी मिलती है तो मैं या तुम कौन हैं उसे रोकने वाले? हाँ, अगर तुम्हारा इरादा उनको चूतीया बुला कर उन पर हंसने का है तो मैं तुम्हारे साथ हूँ।

अब दूसरी भाँती। यह उन लोगों की है जो अपने देश से दूर जा कर उसके और भी करीब हो जाते हैं। अंग्रेजी में एक कहावत है, "distance makes the heart grow fonder"। मैं इस कहावत में विश्वास नहीं करता लेकिन ऐसे लोगों से मिलना मुझे दुविधा में डाल देता है। शारीरिक और मानसिक दूरियों के बीच का उल्टा संबंध मुझे कुछ समझ में नहीं आया। जब वो भारत में थे, तब वो सामान्य थे। लेकिन अब, जब वो भारत में नहीं हैं, अचानक भारत देश महान और जय गंगा मईये। भिन्न भिन्न प्रकार के लोगों के बीच में जब अपना खुद का दिमाग काम नहीं करे तो अपनी देश की आन को बीच में ले आओ। पहले अपने देश को जितनी गाली देते थे, अब उसके उतने ही गुण गाओ. मेरे ख्याल से काफी कट्टरवादी ऐसे ही बनते हैं।

मैं अभी तक इस निर्णय पर नहीं पहुंच पाया हूँ कि ज्यादा चूतीये कौन हैं, पहली या दूसरी भाँती? आप की क्या राय है?

Alright, I have to say I have impressed myself a bit with all this Hindi. Small pat on the back. Without ado, here is the translation (which I will try keep as literal as possible):

So I was thinking what to write? If writing in Hindi, why not write about my desi brothers and friends? But my mind's asses run in the direction of diasporic citizens. So be it.

The Indians living in this city that I know can be more or less divided into 2 kinds. The first kind is those that have no special attachment to their motherland, in fact they are happy to be in a developed country where the women have white skin. It takes no time for such peoples' speech to change, they acquire a disease called "fake accent" the moment they step off the aeroplane. (But there are also those who get diseased the moment they sit in to the aeroplane at the Delhi or Mumbai airports!) These people of the first kind also make efforts such that in their circle of friends, there are as few Indians as possible. I think doing this makes them feel a sort of "truly international feeling", which causes 1-2 waves of happiness to flow through their small universe. If they derive happiness from such small useless actions, who are you or me to stop them? Of course, if your intent is to call them a moron (the word 'moron' does little justice to चूतीया, which would literally mean closer to 'fucker' but that is not the implication I seek here-in)and laugh at them, then I am with you.

Now the second kind. It is of those people who go far from their country to get even closer to it. There is a saying in English, "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I have never believed in this saying but meeting such people puts me in a conundrum. I do not quite follow the inverse relationship between physical and mental distances. When they were in India, they were normal. But now, that they are not in India, suddenly India is a great country and Praise Mother Ganges. When the mind doesn't work amid a group of people of many many different kinds, drag the honour of the country in between. Earlier, the extent to which they called their country names, now, sing as many praises to it. I think this is what leads to the formation of extremists.

I still have not been able to decide who is more moronic (चूतीया once again), the first or the second kind? What is your opinion?

The idea of 'humanity'

So, this can take a few hours to write, but since I don't want to waste that much time, I will do this in my own lovable random style.

What makes us humans? Or rather, what makes us humans different from the other living species on this planet? Compared to plants and other vegetation (minus a few which exhibit some or the other form of movement, which I must confess, I find awesome, such as the Venus Flytrap in action), we humans, like most other animals, are capable of movement. Compared to other animals (since we are technically also animals), we are capable of more thought since our brains have evolved more than theirs etc. So it will not be wrong to conclude that our 'humanity' derives from our ability to think. Then of course, we have the overused term of the 'social animal' which tells us that the human tends to socialise, and that in fact, is one of the things that makes him human. But how do we define 'social'? Animals tend to also congregate in groups for all sorts of reasons, and we all know about schools of fish, murders of crows and prides of lions and other such. Furthermore, even the beauty of their natural formations, such as a flock of geese that could give the best air-force display a run for its skills, is breathtaking to behold. And why should we not term such phenomena as social, but be content to merely label it as natural?

So my point is that social behaviour exists outside the human spectrum as well, and we have no reason to feel special about it. Of course, one can throw at me the argument that the scale at which we have achieved so much progress is surely noteworthy, and that it could not have been possible without human society being organised in the meticulous ways it is. And of course, there is always the rhetorical question about why other animals could not do it if they were as good as humans? Well, this is what I have to say. We have achieved what we have at the expense of many other species (I am not getting into a moral argument about it being a good or a bad thing) and we have managed that because we developed tools that made us more powerful than other species, thereby effectively controlling the way of things. Which makes it a matter of survival of the fittest, or of might being right, etc. I wonder if that is a 'human' trait or animal. Even socialising itself is an extension of groupism and the need to live in herds, like cows or sheep do. We surely do it in a more organised fashion, and even with some style sometimes, but thats about that.

The big difference I think is between being human and being 'humane'. The latter is a concocted notion, dreamt up over thousands of years by some fiendish souls to bring about a sense of 'order' in the world. To use a spiritual (literally) idiom, its like these souls keep living on across all generations, shifting from one body to another, since such champions of 'order' are to be found from the present, all the way down to a siginificant depth of recorded history. Of course, this sense of 'order' itself is made to seem like a necessity, whereas no one ever even thinks of the merits of chaos. I can already see half of you think "merits of chaos? what the fuck is he on?" But the point of this rant is not chaos theory, so I will let it lie. Back to 'humanity'.

Under the rubric of 'humanity', we try to negate all that which is animal about us, in an effort to forget the fact we once were (and still are, after all is said and done) animals. Violence, lust, indifference to others' suffering, mob mentality, it is all a part of our biological make-up, I think. No, there is nothing wrong in trying to overcome them, but then again, who are you to say that the age of Barbarians was not a happy one? Or that in this age of Civilisation, there is any dearth of inconsolably sad people? And if your point is a purely ideological one, you might as well shove it up your you know where.

Jeez, it tires me, the thought of how deep-rooted this notion of 'humanity' is among a large chunk of the human populace. Thankfully, there are still some outside its purview, and I can only hope the numbers grow. And as for this post, I will have to continue another time since I had rather not get too angry right now. All the same, I am happy if I have ruffled some feathers with this one. Come and get me, fellow humans. Pour your scorn (or even just feel it) and fall to my level! And oh, while you are at it, at least try to have a decent argument that goes beyond "But how can you even think in such a horrible way?" Of course, that would require thinking, but then again, maybe you are more humane than you are human!